Saturday, July 14, 2012

My Ode to the Macaron Myth, those Glam Morons


One of the few zillion macaron pictures taken off the internet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this one is probably going to upset some people and maybe even lose some of the already few subscribers I have. TOO BAD!

Dear macarons, you are grossly over-rated, over-priced and I don't like the way you're stacked so pretentiously at posh hotel lobbies and traditional-bakeries-now-called-boutiques. And I detest that you have taken over the place of my favourite herbed breads.

How is it people have not realised that, at six hundred grams of sugar per batch, you are the shortest cut to wide hips and diabetes. The only thing more than the sugar are the exclamation marks people use when they describe you. You are as fake as the gaudy colours you purportedly boast about, always trying to get as much attention as you can, and exuding such an upperty air about you as you become so ubiquitous. My darling, when you part your bright, luscious lips, you ooze of sweetness, and you try so damn hard to melt weak, fluttering hearts.

Things between us don't have to get this bad if not for your scheming, deceptive nature. There's something deeply disturbing about how you've deceived the whole world into loving you when in fact you are worth nothing. I have major trust issues if you continue to be so pretentious.

You make food bloggers think it would be such a baker's challenge to figure you out, and anyone who has successfully made a batch run out to the blogosphere to boast about how awesome you look. At your core, you're hollow and nothing but 4-day stale and dehydrated egg whites.

Youths spend their meagre pocket money on you and you've deviously creeped in to become the defacto prized possession for every birthday gift. They even Instagram the box you come in. Under my intense interrogation, a few pastry chefs have confessed to me how cheap you really are. You are such a waste of time, money and life.

If you feel I'm emblematic of anal people who can't enjoy their food without doing a calorie count, so be it. I don't care for your fillings. Plus, I bet they'll want me to write a similar post on your poorer cupcake cousins. What an idea.

Did I say it also irritates me that your "feet" are also called your "crown"? So you don't even understand your own body parts, how can I even think that you would comprehend the least bit about the importance of being true to yourself? Come to think of it - your name, your name. Macaron, macaroon, macaroni, macerena...I'll settle with Glam Morons.

You, Monsier Macaron Moron, have forgotten where you came from. You were a lovely cookie! I don't know how else to break this to you but right now, you are nothing but empty food and there is NO NEED for you to have to exist. Start being proud of your heritage, and since you choose to look like an UFO, do me a favour and fly back to your humble beginnings. Then maybe, just maybe, I may start to like you.

P/S: Sorry this has to come on Bastille Day. I love France and I love Sous Vide and I love to Confit.

P/P/S: Hmm...the last food I talked to directly was My Spanish Seabass.

30 comments:

  1. Wahahahahaha!

    I call that "skirt", neither feet nor crown.
    A burger instead of UFO.The skirt's the lettuce on in my burger, LOL!

    Actually, if the fillings are good, it makes a whole lot of difference, not some boring ganache or simple buttercream that has no soul.
    If filled with good stuff, it will be a totally different experience.
    It's not supposed to be eaten like a cookie, not for indulgement, but slowly savour just 1 or 2 pieces in one go after meals.

    Hahaha.... I'm not crazy for it too, and will never pay ridiculous prices for macs made with cheapo stuff since I've learnt how to make them. But I'll still pay for those made with premium fillings like pate de fruit or some very very special stuff that is not easy to make at home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Errr... in paragraph 2, I actually meant

      "It's not supposed to be eaten like a cookie in one go, not for indulging, but just 1 or 2 pieces to be slowly savoured after meals"

      Delete
    2. Just calculated - about 2 tsp to slowly savour for each moron.

      Delete
    3. Any dessert will have some sort of sugar in some sort of amount.
      Ice creams or cakes don't come far from that amount since they are served in bigger portions. Could be even more.
      But then again.. it's a matter of personal choice..

      Some people get excited about cooking, some get excited about baking. It just depends on what you prefer doing.

      Delete
  2. The macaroon is an airhead. But if the filling is durian, I may think differently.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard of Nike Air, but Mao Shan Wang Air will be new.

      Delete
  3. super entertaining!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Enjoy from a distance. Just don't go near these morons.

      Delete
  4. At long last, someone brave enough the voice out what I've always thought all along! Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I meant, "At long last, someone brave enough to voice out what I've always thought all along". I do typos whenever I get excited and panning the macaron is exciting.

      Delete
    2. I cannot find a single negative review of macarons on the internet. There must be a worldwide macaron conspiracy that I'm not clued in to.

      So, looks like it'll just be you and, 2 anal aunties, against the world.

      Delete
  5. My experience at Cafe Cre Asion maccas was sublimeeeee...Zumbarons were getting overrated... ah I love themmmmmmmm :D

    Livia

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  6. Hilarious! Have u considered that people who fork out money to buy macarons are none too bright ?

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  7. Totally agree! Never paid for a macaron but it was RAVE so much online by my friends and so much food blogger; that I HAVE to try! And I realised the ingredients are actually SO CHEAP!

    Till now I don't understand why people pay so much for sugar and egg-whites.

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  8. Great writeup, its definitely a fad, a pretty thing with a pretense.
    My 13 year old daughter (who also bake) said its nothing but marshmallow.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great prose- I love it - you are so creative in your writing style as well. Thumbs Up

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Elaine. Now, how about a Movement against Macarons??!! Aunties of the world, unite!

      Delete
  10. I have never tasted a macaron as I always thought they were criminally overpriced. Still it just seems to me that the real issue here is the people who lose their heads over these mounds of sugar and fluff, rather than the macarons themselves which are nothing more or less than what people make them out to be....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you certainly need more parties to make this whole circus work - opportunistic entrepreneurs+experimental chefs+savvy marketeers+ignorant consumers....

      Delete
  11. I agree 120%. Probably the most overrated things in gastronomy at the moment. It's either people have blinders on because it's French, or are really just easily impressed. They look pretty (not to me), but I don't give a crap about that. Taste wise, not really a big deal and certainly not deserving of the over the top praise they have been getting.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I agree 120%. Probably the most overrated things in gastronomy at the moment. It's either people have blinders on because it's French, or are really just easily impressed. They look pretty (not to me), but I don't give a crap about that. Taste wise, not really a big deal and certainly not deserving of the over the top praise they have been getting.

    ReplyDelete

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